Okay, so maybe i’m overreacting a tad, but once the black tar heroin kicks in, one cannot become responsible for the out-of-control verbal swarm that elicits from one’s speech-creating oriface! yeah! So, as usual (I apologise for breaking into Mr. Porter’s journal entry so rudely, as he is undoubtedly thrilling the pants off of you as he brings forth another literary masterpiece sure to astound scores of captive audiences, such as 13 year old goth fanatics, online role-playing gamer virgins, and the vast adulation from trailor park communities around the country. I felt it necessary to step in and finally introduce myself – I am Mr. Porter’s (on the job, we call him by pet name only, mainly “dick-face”) conscience. The reason i’m here is to tell the good people and loyal journal readers that Mr. Porter is really not the arrogant, know-it-all, sarcastic jackhole that he may sometimes portray himself to be. In reality, he’s a kind, sensitive soul, who secretly collects care bears figurines, watches Oprah, and loves Jesus. Anyone who attempts to debate this obvious fact, even Mr. Porter himself, is to be severely beaten and ignored like a filthy heathen, then proclaimed a baldfaced liar. In my efforts to keep Mr. Porter from a fiery demise, I will be adding my own commentary from time to time, but only in dire emergency when we feel Mr. Porter has overstepped the boundaries of morality and good taste. Or, its a Tuesday.) here in Ca-li-forn-ee, with news like the aforementioned, we get to kneel & take double turns being molested by a giant, non-lubricated platinum Hummer2 plaque in our collective poopers, in regards to the already obscene cost of living rates here. But it’s the Bay Area, don’t you know? Living here is a privelige, not a right, you swine.
As much as I LOVE to bitch about things, nothing gives me greater satisfaction then pointing out the sheer idiocy I continuously witness being a Bay Area resident. Nowhere do I see any nearby offroading sites for people who own SUVs in this place. Yet, Escaclods (Erm, we believe he respectively means the Cadillac Escalades), H2s, Tahunkajunks (Chevy Tahoes), and Expedishits (Ford Expeditions) seem to run apeshit here. I swear, they multiply like filthy rabbits. It seems I can’t travel 2 blocks anymore without having to give my antilocks a stern workout due to some asian housewife (Having been in a 3-year relationship with an asian-american woman, Mr. Porter understands and empathizes with the unwarranted stereotypes asian-americans sometimes endure that are mindlessly tossed around by uncaring individuals), who weighs in at about a buck-o-one, and is as tall as most 11-year-olds, that is incapable of handling a simple merge in her military-inspired econo-box, due to her rear view mirror being located 4 feet from her line-of-sight. It’s marvelous, believe me. These assholes, who can’t properly steer their 2-ton perversions to transportation in traffic, are the people I see bitching the most about the gas increase. Hell – maybe you didn’t need to purchase that 6 mile-per-gallon shit heap to pick up your groceries and the kids in, did you, ass face? You can’t drive for piss anyway, so buy a goddammed prius, and shut the fuck up, is what I have to offer. That way, you’ll get four times the gas mileage, you’re smaller, so I can just run your dumb ass into an embankment if you piss me off.(We assure the reader that Mr. Porter advocates no such thing, but rather, is simply just a misunderstood writer. Your must forgive his seemingly offensive dialogue, as he knows no better. He is merely offering a lighthearted perspective using an innocent ’satirical irony’ approach within the confines of said previous commentary to illicit a response. He has absolutely no talent in this arena, but we just don’t have the heart to tell him yet. There is no underlying premise. He’s not even intelligent enough to know the meaning of the word, folks. We swear.)
We in the “Silicon Valley” like to taut ourselves as intellectuals, and consistently praise its residents as being smarter than the average bear. (READ: he has absolutely no evidence to back the previous statement up. please ignore.) Sorry folks, this is what you really get. We bitch and moan about our electricity rates being out-of-hand, meanwhile, we run non-energy efficient appliances, have 7 computers running 24/7, blare our 55 inch plasma screen tvs when no one is in the room to watch it, leave lights on with no regard, and have the largest, most obnoxious X-mas displays every year. (READ: everything said writer is guilty of; and even has outstanding bench warrants for) Go figure. Its like the lions in Africa complaining that there isn’t nearly enough gazelles to satisfy their 3-prey-a-day habit. Madness.
I suppose, in my purely drug-addled tirade (He’s being facetious. He is way too pussy to ever try the H…fucktard.), I may have spouted off some things that may seem too incredible to believe, I empathize, bitches. I empathize. If you are a Bay Arean, you feel this pain.(this guy is completely off his tree…bid him goodnite, kiddies!)
And I’m out. Peace. Bitches. (have a lovely day!)