‘Paranormal Activity’ is so bad I’m visibly shaken
By Chris Porter
January 3, 2010
Happy New Year 2010. I rented ‘Paranormal Activity’ from redbox last night. I want my fucking dollar and about an hour of my life back. Actually, I’d rather just rob the hollywood megafucks who greenlighted this YouTube-worthy crapfest. I wouldn’t feel the slightest bit bad about it.
Apparently it’s Blair Witch Project all over again (I’ve read there was much internet hype), but this time with less imagination, action and a painfully uninteresting backdrop. I basically knew nothing about it before I wasted a buck renting this POS. Afterwards, I read the film cost around $15,000 to make. As an amateur filmmaker myself, I gotta wonder where that money was spent. The camera? It looked like a Sony HD handicam w/ light setup you can probably pick up for 5K. The setting? A prefab shitbox townhome. There is about 2 million of them littered all over the southwestern United States. I could have paid someone a few hundred to use their yuppie pad and shot this over a weekend, using the rest of the cash for hookers and blow. Grr..
I’m partly to blame, here. I should have known better in picking feature films to watch. I think those ‘ghost hunter’ shows are bullshit, and don’t put much stock into the paranormal in the first place, so there’s that.
I sincerely hope the ‘stars’ weren’t paid for their time, because was that supposed to be acting? If it was, then standards have hit the pavement. These ‘actors’ will go just as far as the Blair Witch cast went, which is nowhere. Also like Blair Witch, the sum of all the ‘effects’ could have been accomplished with a hair dryer, a $1.50 roll of fishing wire and possibly a green screen.
SPOILER: Here is the totality of action in ‘Paranormal Activity’. A door moves. Sheets on a bed blow around. Shadows appear. Girl gets dragged from room. A portrait gets broken. A photograph appears in the attic. A chandelier swings. A ouija board moves by itself then catches fire. Girl stands around bed, leaves room, screams, boyfriend follows, then gets thrown at the camera, girlfriend reappears with fake blood on her shirt, a cheesy morphing effect using any standard editing software tops it off. The End.
Alternate Ending: Girl stands around bed, leaves room, screams, boyfriend follows, girlfriend reappears with fake blood and a kitchen knife prop, she appears to slit her throat. The End.
Go fuck yourself, hollywood.
To be fair, I made it 48 minutes. 48 Full fucking minutes of absolute bugfuck happening before I had to eject back into the DVD menu and just watch the shitty endings. I don’t feel I missed a thing. Scary? People were allegedly leaving theatres in tears? Bullshit. If this movie scared you, you are a gigantic vagina, unfit for survival in our world.
Fuck it. I’ve got a deal for you, hollywood. I offer my talents to make the sequel. I will film it entirely in my bathroom with my cellphone camera. I’ll do it for $16,000, and I will guarantee you DOUBLE the ‘effects’ and action for the money, and I’ll even produce it. It’s an offer you can’t refuse. Use your marketing genius to hype the shit out of it, and gimme my 20% of those sweet hundreds of millions of box office duckets when it hits theatres. I promise to retire and never make another movie after that. What do ya say?
Rating: -1 out of 5 stars