Monthly Archives: March 2005


Religious fundamentalists are hereby invited to graciously extract peices of corn from my feces, or, Rippin’ Nazis-for-Jesus a new a-hole

The Atlanta legal system got quite the bitch slap last Friday as a judge, court reporter, and 2 officers were brutally gunned down by an insane rape suspect, and overall blood clot among the human species by the name of Brian Nichols. Now, I know you may have thought what I did upon hearing his last name of “Nichols” for the first time. But, this person turned out to be of no relation to the white bread, lawless douche bag Nichols, who we all knew liked blowing federal buildings to hell. This was an entirely different, African-American lawless douche bag named Nichols. Now that we’ve got that straight, let’s continue.

Now from what I understand, this 210 lbs., 6′1 brutal piece of spooge overpowered the (1) FEMALE cop (shocking) escorting him, swiped her gun, shot the judge, court reporter, and a deputy while fleeing the scene, which was an 8-story journey to ground level. What-the-everloving-fuck?? I guess I might understand the cops and the judge, but A COURT REPORTER?!? Why did he feel the need to off the secretary of the court? Typing too loud? Dammit, what a tool. Then after pistol-whipping a reporter for a car (in my opinion, the only honorable thing he did), ‘thug-style’ Nichols bolted off, and was successful in evading the keystone-cop-based chase strategies of the seemingly inept Altanta authorities (who i’m quite positive, in a way paralleling the movie “Deliverance”, were just aching to provide Mr. Nichols with a well-deserved complimentary sodomization via shotgun for having such a purty mouth), for a least a day. Note to self: if you do decide to commit a crime, do it in Atlanta – For as long as you have access to an automobile, and can simply drive away, the Altanta P.D. will not give you any means for alarm, because obviously, THEY DO NOT POSSESS SQUAD CARS NOR CHOPPERS TO PURSUE YOU WITH. Hey, I monitored the live feed on my computer for hours. And for hours, I was treated to awe-inspiring, action-packed LIVE feeds of…traffic on I-95. WTF?? Nothing more from this incident turned up until the next morning, when police had shit-for-brains held up in an apartment complex where he had consequently taken a hostage. Oh, that crazy Mr. Nichols. No. I’m serious – HE’S FUCKING CRAZY.

To conclude, the situation ended peacefully (to my unfortunate chagrin), and scumsucker surrendered to authorities (whom I can only wish gave him SOME semblence of good ol’ fashioned ‘patented police ass-whuppin’ behind closed doors, away from press, being careful to leave no signs of bruising). The hostage is now being reported in every shitty mainstream news source in the country (honestly, is there any other kind?) as the person who convinced him to surrender. Yeah, right – and Carrot Top is a misunderstood comic genius. How does she claim to have survived this tumultuous situation? Through the guidance of JESUS, of course! *sigh* Yep. Sadly, it’s true. She was interviewed, expressing that divine intervention saved her god-fearin’ behind from being victim #5 by using her as a vessel to talk to her captor and tell him that if he gave up, there just might be a chance for him to bring others, possibly incarcerated, to Jesus Christ (convert fast, fucker – because once the court gets ahold of your nasty ass again, you’re as good as burnt bacon, biatch!). Alrightey then! Well, I could do nothing but shake my head. I’m quite content letting people wallow in their own self-delusions, as long as it doesn’t harm anyone, or I don’t have to deal with any unnecessary bullshit. Realistically, i’d lay the odds down on Nichols simply being stuck with a case of common sense, coming to a harsh realization he was truly fucked, thus concluding that eating a diet of nothing but lead sandwiches might not be too appealing. The hostage in the apartment with him dodged the bullet and simply got lucky. Good on her. You would THINK it all ends there…

But, oh noes, bitches. You didn’t think the religious zealots would let the public shift it’s attention away without someone having the last word, didya? Attractive and successful african american, PLEASE! I was on this message board I visit from time to time this evening, and some clueless goddamned Christard was waxing on about how incredible it was that a Christian saved the day! Yay for we who are god’s chosen people! Yes, she faked outrage noting in a half-assed sidebar, it was indeed ‘regrettable’ that lives were taken, but they are now ‘blessed’ to living eternal lives in heaven! She brayed on, saying the real credit goes to this woman, one of “god’s people”, for ’standing up’ to her captor by talking to him. You know, as opposed to, say, not talking to him (was there really a choice in the matter if he engaged her in conversation??). I suppose the alternative would have been to say nothing and soil herself, but chances are, after some time, there would have been a stench. And I myself can’t stand stinky people, and i’m sure some freak with a pistol would be even less tolerant, have eventually gotten pissed, and let her have it on principle. The silly fundamentalcase whore-for-jesus kept on practically non-stop with ‘jesus this’ and “lord that’ that it began to actually sound like gloating. Well, that was it for me, and I realized that I was the one to finally feed her a case of shut the fuck up, because no one else seemed to have the spine to do it….

Religious Zealot: Isn’t it AMAZINg waht the Word of God can do in the hands of a REAL Christian? (posts link to a feel-good, religious-based hack job of a story)

Me: The title of this thread is misleading. If it was taken from a direct headline, then the editor needs to be taken out back and spayed/neutered with an icepick. I think she didn’t save anything but her own butt.

RZ: It shows what kind of spirit you have that you won’t give this brave woman any credit.

Me: Credit for what? Surviving? At least she made it! Excuse me if i’m still sympathizing here with the families of the victims, who just irrevocably lost a son/daughter/husband/wife today because of a selfish and pointless act by a piece of human refuse whose got a grudge against the legal system, all for simply doing their jobs. Yes, what a unfeeling prick I am…

RZ: Well, at least now TEHY are on a first class trip to meet the ONE, and be rewarded with ETERNAL LIFE, what about you? I’m assuming yor an athiest, so what would you do in the situation? worship yourself?

Me: What-in-the fuck are you talking about, you slobbering halfwit. Stay off the jesus juice, woman, and reread what I wrote.

RZ: i see no harm in giving her credit where someone believes there credit is due. she was made a hostage gave credit to God, so why do you have a problem with her doing that?

Me: Well, I don’t. What I have a big problem with, is that fundamental-cases such as yourself are spinning this into a victory for your religious ideology, seemingly glossing over the utter tragedy of the situation by issuing meaningless blanket statements to the effect of: “well, they’re going to heaven anyway, so it’s ok”. Did it ever cross the barren wasteland that is your noodle that perhaps the victims *gasp* WEREN’T all Christians? Maybe you need to step back and put your idol worship on the back burner, and look at this from a purely humanistic viewpoint to see the bigger picture.

RZ: Sorry, Christ is second to no one. With Christ, one has power. Without him, they are nothing, dung.

Me: Funny you should mention the word “dung”. Because it dovetails nicely into my definition of your attitude towards this whole ordeal. I would have chosen a slightly different word however, a more colorful word that shares the same meaning, but brought into fruition by the bovine species. I mean, aren’t you JUST ECSTATIC that this piece of steer matter will be able to share his ‘good news’ with the other dumb suckers in the pen? I suppose there’s NO LIMIT to the amount of fuck-ups one can be responsible for once one accepts jeezus, right? In turn, maybe he can convince his new cellmates to subscribe to this fairy tale, and strengthen the ring of circular logic your theology seems to embrace. Moreover, maybe some of these new converts will be inspired to be good little felons, and possibly get out early, so that they can get ANOTHER opportunity to further pollute the gene pool with their toxic seed, or perhaps wreak EVEN more death and destruction upon our society! PRAAISE JEEZUS!

Now do you understand how nutty you sound?

Well, I ruffled the zealot’s feathers too much to prompt a response. I guess thats a blessing in itself. Gah, sometimes I hate people…


Gas Prices to rise $.24 per gallon in the next few days, or life in America will once again imitate art once gas becomes as rare as a golden phallus, and we start beating each other to death for it like the plot to “The Road Warrior”

Okay, so maybe i’m overreacting a tad, but once the black tar heroin kicks in, one cannot become responsible for the out-of-control verbal swarm that elicits from one’s speech-creating oriface! yeah! So, as usual (I apologise for breaking into Mr. Porter’s journal entry so rudely, as he is undoubtedly thrilling the pants off of you as he brings forth another literary masterpiece sure to astound scores of captive audiences, such as 13 year old goth fanatics, online role-playing gamer virgins, and the vast adulation from trailor park communities around the country. I felt it necessary to step in and finally introduce myself – I am Mr. Porter’s (on the job, we call him by pet name only, mainly “dick-face”) conscience. The reason i’m here is to tell the good people and loyal journal readers that Mr. Porter is really not the arrogant, know-it-all, sarcastic jackhole that he may sometimes portray himself to be. In reality, he’s a kind, sensitive soul, who secretly collects care bears figurines, watches Oprah, and loves Jesus. Anyone who attempts to debate this obvious fact, even Mr. Porter himself, is to be severely beaten and ignored like a filthy heathen, then proclaimed a baldfaced liar. In my efforts to keep Mr. Porter from a fiery demise, I will be adding my own commentary from time to time, but only in dire emergency when we feel Mr. Porter has overstepped the boundaries of morality and good taste. Or, its a Tuesday.) here in Ca-li-forn-ee, with news like the aforementioned, we get to kneel & take double turns being molested by a giant, non-lubricated platinum Hummer2 plaque in our collective poopers, in regards to the already obscene cost of living rates here. But it’s the Bay Area, don’t you know? Living here is a privelige, not a right, you swine.

As much as I LOVE to bitch about things, nothing gives me greater satisfaction then pointing out the sheer idiocy I continuously witness being a Bay Area resident. Nowhere do I see any nearby offroading sites for people who own SUVs in this place. Yet, Escaclods (Erm, we believe he respectively means the Cadillac Escalades), H2s, Tahunkajunks (Chevy Tahoes), and Expedishits (Ford Expeditions) seem to run apeshit here. I swear, they multiply like filthy rabbits. It seems I can’t travel 2 blocks anymore without having to give my antilocks a stern workout due to some asian housewife (Having been in a 3-year relationship with an asian-american woman, Mr. Porter understands and empathizes with the unwarranted stereotypes asian-americans sometimes endure that are mindlessly tossed around by uncaring individuals), who weighs in at about a buck-o-one, and is as tall as most 11-year-olds, that is incapable of handling a simple merge in her military-inspired econo-box, due to her rear view mirror being located 4 feet from her line-of-sight. It’s marvelous, believe me. These assholes, who can’t properly steer their 2-ton perversions to transportation in traffic, are the people I see bitching the most about the gas increase. Hell – maybe you didn’t need to purchase that 6 mile-per-gallon shit heap to pick up your groceries and the kids in, did you, ass face? You can’t drive for piss anyway, so buy a goddammed prius, and shut the fuck up, is what I have to offer. That way, you’ll get four times the gas mileage, you’re smaller, so I can just run your dumb ass into an embankment if you piss me off.(We assure the reader that Mr. Porter advocates no such thing, but rather, is simply just a misunderstood writer. Your must forgive his seemingly offensive dialogue, as he knows no better. He is merely offering a lighthearted perspective using an innocent ’satirical irony’ approach within the confines of said previous commentary to illicit a response. He has absolutely no talent in this arena, but we just don’t have the heart to tell him yet. There is no underlying premise. He’s not even intelligent enough to know the meaning of the word, folks. We swear.)

We in the “Silicon Valley” like to taut ourselves as intellectuals, and consistently praise its residents as being smarter than the average bear. (READ: he has absolutely no evidence to back the previous statement up. please ignore.) Sorry folks, this is what you really get. We bitch and moan about our electricity rates being out-of-hand, meanwhile, we run non-energy efficient appliances, have 7 computers running 24/7, blare our 55 inch plasma screen tvs when no one is in the room to watch it, leave lights on with no regard, and have the largest, most obnoxious X-mas displays every year. (READ: everything said writer is guilty of; and even has outstanding bench warrants for) Go figure. Its like the lions in Africa complaining that there isn’t nearly enough gazelles to satisfy their 3-prey-a-day habit. Madness.

I suppose, in my purely drug-addled tirade (He’s being facetious. He is way too pussy to ever try the H…fucktard.), I may have spouted off some things that may seem too incredible to believe, I empathize, bitches. I empathize. If you are a Bay Arean, you feel this pain.(this guy is completely off his tree…bid him goodnite, kiddies!)

And I’m out. Peace. Bitches. (have a lovely day!)